Response to Never Ending Winter

My husband wrote this for Alaska and posted it to his Facebook page. I thought it was just too cute and wanted to share it here. 🙂

ATTN: Alaska, Director of Seasonal Performances

The Alaskans in attendance would like to thank you for your hard work and dedication over the centuries and commend you for your stellar performances and visionary adaptations. The performances “Denali” and “Glaciers” have been impeccable and truly awe inspiring. However, the above mentioned attendees do have some concern with the most recent adaptations of “Seasons”. We would be honored and delighted if you would take the time to review the following concerns and consider them for your upcoming performances.

The characters Spring and Autumn. We fully understand your adaptations of the beautiful ladies, Spring and Autumn, for short and powerful prelude performances. We feel that Spring’s performance has been cut uncomfortably short in our recent viewings and we would ask that you restore her stage time to normal levels as to enjoy her beauty and glamour to its fullest. The short performances of these lovely vixens bring joy to our hearts.

The character Lady Summer. Lady Summer is by far the dearest to our hearts and her performance is the decisive reason for growing attendance in the past century. Our concern is sometimes she fails to appear on cue and other times her performance seems halfhearted. Her beauty is breathtaking when her performance is to par and we would ask you encourage her spirit with the knowledge that she is the star of the show and an inspiration to our souls.

The character Old Man Winter. We unanimously feel that Old Man Winter’s best performances are conducted only during the fading out and fading in of stage lights. Once the lights have faded in past the halfway point he becomes hard on the eyes and tiresome to the soul. We delight in his performance and don’t mind the frequent over-the-top style acting as long as his performance is restricted to his stage time. We have heard mumbling among attendees during drawn out performances and we wish to curtail this before attendance drops. Current productions have also seen Spring make a fleeting dash across stage during Old Man Winter’s stage time. This is not necessary and at times uncomfortable; it is too dark to enjoy her beauty and it distracts from Old Man Winter’s performance.

Thank you for taking the time to review our concerns and we applaud your magnificent skill and artistic renditions. We look forward to your continued productions that only you can direct. We ask that you don’t take offence to our criticisms but instead use our input to heighten the enjoyment of future audiences. We also ask that this be kept secret from the cast as to not cause hard feelings or anger Old Man Winter. Last time he was angered he would not leave the stage, assaulted Spring, gave Autumn a white wash and pushed Lady Summer off stage repeatedly.

Regards,
Alaskans
P.S. Break a leg! 
P.P.S. Figuratively this time!